In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
