piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
