Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize