Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
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