Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
