If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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