Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
