In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
