apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
