My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
