i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
