you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
there is glitter all over my balls
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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