Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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