wakey wakey hands off snakey
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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