My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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