I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm too high and old for this...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
