Christians are straight up FREAKS
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
