I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
