I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
