If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
