I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
