the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
