I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i dont even know how to be here
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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