I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
