why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
