We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
