Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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