i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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