Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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