is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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