I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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