alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
