Tell her she can't have a vagina
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
