I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
