I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
