have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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