Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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