Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
whose ass print is on the piano?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
