i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Fuck appropriateness.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
