Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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