matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize