Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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