I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
