I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
