it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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