Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
