do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
