Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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