look no pants
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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