capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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