I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
