Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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