is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
