I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
