Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
