Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
and you fell through a lawn chair
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
