At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
