I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
