I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
