I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
