Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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