like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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