the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
