I puked a lego.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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