I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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