I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
