Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
