Yo dont text me then not text me
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
