i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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