Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
